Miss Esme

We are all a house of mourning.  Thank you all for your support and lovely kind words of sympathy and empathy and love. 

Dearest friends, this is so very hard to write; please forgive my delay. I’ve been trying to navigate with this giant Esme shaped hole in my heart.  Added to the difficulty is being trapped at home which is where all the memories are. My co-worker who usually shares the workload is off on maternity leave so i’ve been working by myself for a couple weeks which in it’s way is a blessing for keeping my mind off my eternally empty lap. 

Miss Esmerelda Weatherwax suffered with many ailments as many of you may know. From her time at the hoarders house four years ago nearly to the month! She had multiple and long lasting nasal infections leading to her acute nose running and sneezing.  Occasionally she would develop a secondary infection & antibiotics were used to clear it up.  So when just the Monday before the 4th of July when she was very stuffed up I kept an eye on her; gave her steam room treatments in the bathroom twice a day; kept her nose wiped & cleaned with a warm washcloth; administered orbax (antibiotic) once a day; and made sure she was eating & drinking and using the litter box. 

By Thursday she was starting to breathe thru her mouth (as she would when her nose needed cleaning ) like a human with a cold.  Friday her abdomen started to swell slightly from the increased air she was inhaling) but she was still getting up; eating and drinking & using the litter box.  Neither of us were sleeping the night thru.   

By that Saturday she was staying in her bed; so i would feed her there; give her water & carry her to to the litter box where she would urinate and she would walk back to her bed.  By Sunday she stopped eating all together. I emailed the vets Saturday night for the next available appt.  (This turned out to be Tuesday at 5pm- nothing sooner)  Since she was stable and still drinking and peeing & not struggling otherwise we just waited since I preferred our vet who knew all her history.

Tuesday came;  I dropped her off at 5 and sat in the parking lot (as they are not seeing anyone in person)   and waited for Dr. to call me.They called right away  to discuss what they needed to do; xrays to rule out pneumonia; blood work to check everything else.  Through it all Miss Esme purred. 

25 minutes or so later I can’t be sure; Dr. called me; they looked at xrays and there was so much inflammation it was not pneumonia but rather lymphoma in her lungs and it was all over her lungs.  Further, her bloodwork reflected (*enter so much jargon & stats I had no idea was normal & what wasn’t) *As i sat numb in the car alone trying comprehend,  I just asked dumbly;  “Are you telling me she has inoperable lung cancer and her kidneys have shut down meaning it’s time to let her go?”  


I was in total shock;  I asked what the protocol was for euthanasia given we aren’t allowed inside.  The prospect of not being with her then left me nearly vomiting. 

She assured me that absolutely we could be with her.  They allow two people in the room. The would call me when they were ready to let us in.  It was 6pm and most of the staff were leaving for the day. 

I called Ellen and the moment i heard her voice I broke.  She told me to come get her so I did.  We got back to the vets in minutes (we only live 5 minutes away) and we were gowned, gloved, (already masked) and signed the paperwork. 

As we entered the office they indicated that they had a staff member who had tested positive for Covid but that person had not been where we were going.  

They could have said Satan himself was in the room & I would have stood toe to toe and not cared a damn. But these are the times we live in. 

  I hate that room; I’ve been in it so often and I hate it everytime.  The blankets, the low light.  Well, I didn’t hesitate to sneak kisses on her neck lifting my mask to do so. I could feel her purring on my lips but she was so very tired.    Dr. came in and together we let her go.  

It’s a week today and I still  feel like like someone has just lain a hot, oh so crushingly heavy cloak over me.  I know  as I write this all of you who have come to read have felt the same pain; the same loss . I ask again for your forgiveness  for the delay.  I truly have done nothing else but work and cry and  wander the house and sleep holding her *unplugged heated bed.  

Thank you all dear friends for understanding.  I have appreciated and been honored to be part of TeamEsme. 

She could not have been more loved and better cared for with and by all of you!